Newspapers Are Now Obsolete. Introducing News Headlines Mad Libs !

With apologies to Andy Rooney

Ya ever notice how the same news keeps showing up in your newspaper day after day ?

…and how it always seems to get worse ?

Well, the newshounds at RoutingByRumor have figured out how to save you some money, and save some trees at the same time. Instead of buying a newspaper every day, why not try this update of the word game “Mad Libs” to get your latest news.

If you’re one of the few people on the planet who have never heard of Mad Libs, read this before you continue. And yes, the Web does indeed have everything, including the kitchen sink. There is even an official Mad Libs website.

And remember… “no news is good news”.

THE “MAD LIBS” U.S. NEWS HEADLINES

CONSUMER NEWS

The __________________ Corporation (fill in the name of a food or consumer goods company that has shipped all of it’s manufacturing to China) has announced the recall of ____________________ (fill in the name of a food product or child’s toy) due to possible __________________ contamination (fill in the name of a poison or carcinogen) or choking hazard. Consumers are advised to return the product to the store where they bought it.

ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS

Scientists monitoring the effects of global warming today observed the breakup of a ____________________ (fill in a really big number) square mile section of the Arctic ice pack. This is the largest loss of Arctic ice ever observed in a single day, and is further evidence of global warming.

HEALTH NEWS

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has announced the recall of ____________________ (fill in an agricultural product) which is suspected in a recent outbreak of ____________________ (fill in a food-borne illness). There have been ____________________ (fill in a number) suspected cases reported in ____________________ (fill in a number) states.

In an unrelated case, the ____________________ (fill in the name of a meat processor) corporation has announced the recall of ____________________ (fill in a very large number) pounds of ground beef, after tests have indicated possible contamination with e-coli bacteria.

ENERGY NEWS

Crude oil prices have hit another record high, closing yesterday at ____________________ (fill in a very large number) dollars a barrel. Regular grade gasoline is now an average of ____________________ (fill in a very large number) dollars a gallon nationally, and diesel fuel is now averaging ____________________ (fill in a very large number) dollars, across the nation.

FOOD PRICES

Food prices have taken another steep jump in the past month, with a seasonally-adjusted increase of ____________________ (fill in a number) percent. Spurred by steep increases in energy and commodity prices, this is the ____________________th (fill in a number) straight monthly increase in food prices. Recent ____________________ (fill in a weather-related disaster, such as flooding, drought, forest fires, locusts, hail, etc.) in key ____________________ (fill in a food commodity) producing areas has increased the likelihood of further price increases and tight supplies of ____________________ (fill in a commodity) for the foreseeable future.
EMPLOYMENT NEWS

The ____________________ (fill in a major corporation’s name) company today announced plans to lay off another ____________________ (fill in a large number) thousand employees in coming months. Blaming the decision on the sluggish economy and increased foreign competition, they said further workforce reductions might be necessary.

Also, the ____________________ (fill in a major retailer) corporation today announced plans to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. In the latest quarter, they posted losses totaling ____________________ (fill in a really big number) dollars. They also announced plans to close ____________________ (fill in a big number) of their least profitable stores, and lay off ____________________ (fill in a big number) thousand employees.
MILITARY NEWS

The Pentagon has announced that another ____________________ (fill in a number) servicemen have died in fighting in ____________________ (fill in either “Iraq” or “Afgahnistan”). This brings the total death count to ____________________ (fill in a very large number) since the war began. The Pentagon has also announced that the tours of duty for ____________________ (fill in a branch of service) in ______________________ (fill in “Iraq” or “Afghanistan”) will be extended by ____________________ (fill in a number) months.

In a related story, suicide bombers have killed another ____________________ (fill in a number) people in the Iraqi city of ____________________ (fill in the name of a city in Iraq), after detonating ______________________ (fill in “a car bomb” or “explosives strapped to their body”) in a crowd of people gathered for ____________________ (fill in any reason people might gather in a group), and another ____________________ (fill in number) U.S. servicemen have been ____________________ (fill in “killed” or “wounded”) by a roadside bomb in ____________________ (fill in the name of an Iraqi city).

9/11 ATTACKS

The New York City Medical Examiner’s office announced today, that another victim of the September 11th attacks has been positively identified thru the use of DNA testing. Bone fragments belonging to ____________________ (fill in yet another victim’s name), which were recovered from ground zero in the weeks after the attacks, were re-tested using new technologies which were unavailable until now. This brings the confirmed number of victims of the 9/11 attacks to ____________________ (fill in a very large number that should wake up every American to the evil we are up against), making 9/11 the single deadliest enemy attack on U.S. soil in the nation’s history.

In a related story, redevelopment of the former World Trade Center site in lower Manhattan has again suffered a setback, after ______________________ (fill in just about any reason imaginable ) has caused yet another delay in construction activity at the site. The reconstruction plans for ground zero have been mired in controversy, cost overruns, ____________________ (fill in another of the hundreds of reasons for the delays), and complaints from families of 9/11 victims, unhappy with plans for a memorial at the site.

NEWS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

____________________ (fill in the name of a U.S. presidential candidate) has declared his intention to ____________________ (fill in either “end the war” or “win the war” or “increase the number of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan”) within ____________________ (fill in a number) days of being sworn in as President. Speaking from the campaign trail, he spoke to reporters about the growing dissatisfaction among Americans about how the war is going, and promised quick and decisive action to change the course of the war.

Also, in responding to reporter’s questions about ____________________ (fill in an embarrassing or troubling incident that has been dredged up from his past), he denied _____________________ (fill in “ever making the statement” or “ever meeting with the person” or “ever belonging to the group” or “ever voicing support for the group” or “ever practicing that religion” or “ever losing his temper”), blaming those rumors on ____________________ (fill in a political party) supporters trying to derail his campaign.
So there you have it… All the news that’s fit to print, and no need to buy a single newspaper.

– Routing By Rumor

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